In The Strangest Of Hours [21 Aug 2003|11:38am] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Weak and Powerless - A Perfect Circle ] Straining every shred of intuition Until every last ghost of angst comes unbidden Back to drag thorns and till the seeds of fear All until my desperation becomes me Somehow the silence I crave is so bitter Breathing loudly to shatter this void Between my thoughts and my senses Uphill struggles every waking moment Every second to carry out a broken facade of a will A will beaten drained, whithered Killed with irony by a healing sun Its that sense of primal fear when you reach into the darkness Not knowing what your grasp will come across And perhaps it was just as well That I came across anothers grasp ...Grasping mine back But in the back of my nuerosis A siren shrill call brings me to feel pain And the grey of stagnation Are these but chains? Links one by one... ...To be broken? This unbearable burden Desperation overcomes me Surrounds me Until I'm cast away Far from everything Until the siren call is all I know And its the feeling of being lost All over ...Again 3 comments|post comment

A Lot To Learn [18 Aug 2003|09:33am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | She Was My Girl - Jerry Cantrell ] Lets say you jumped off a floating dock in the middle of a body of water. The reaction of you jumping would send the dock in the opposite direction. Thats exactly what happens when I come under stress. I fly off the handle, freak out over nothing, and pick the hardest paths. I'm learning to relax and focus, and not let fear or stress become overtaking. Do this, and I'm less effecient in how I think and what decisions I choose. As an update, I'm moving to an apartment. So my internet connection will be lost for some time. How long? Not exactly sure. Until I'm stable. Heh... me... stable. Heh.. 1 comment|post comment

Somewhere Where I Can Be Lost [20 Mar 2003|04:48pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | This Time Imperfect (Hidden Track) -AFI ] No lament And there is nothing but the road Cracked and shattered lying eager at my feet Lost, and wanting so much to be Unfamiliar horizons No poisons from home Echoing sounds, footfalls resound around me And they are my own A ghost? A remnant? Or just memories Pulling forcefully with an enigma An unforseen magnetism Drawing me further into unknown realms The sting is but the beginning Burning pain is its dance The love and crave for the torture For the lament, for sorrow All falls down Hollow Is this my breath? Am I my own? I no longer dream Is this real? More mental anguish Craving it, so hungry for it So lost With out it... post comment

Falling Short [10 Mar 2003|05:34pm] [ mood | disappointed ] I give up. You can show somebody something you think is interesting and yet you get this odd look back. Its like you're being belittled. I give up. I honestly do. Whats it take anymore to stir a persons interest? 2 comments|post comment

Back Home and Wanting to Be Gone Again [17 Feb 2003|07:39pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Walk on the Ocean, Toad the Wet Sprocket ] I got home last night from my trip to see Megan. It hasn't been very long and I already miss everything about her. The first night I was there we went and drove to see the ocean. I don't think I will ever be able to forget that night. Moonlit, and quiet, nothing but the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. The sound of the waves never really leave you. If I close my eyes I can still hear the waves. It was a surreal 3 days. I'm still trying to piece together everything that had happened and trying to hold on to every last whisp of memory there is. I used to disbelieve, but now... I can say that I've changed my mind. post comment

Putting Things in Overdrive and Not Worrying About Steering [03 Feb 2003|08:31am] [ mood | good ] [ music | One Little Victory, Rush ] Lots to do today, so I'ma make this short. I'm going to fly to Mass. next thursday to see Megan. Very cool but I'm really nervous, its my first time on a jet. I got an mp3 player this weekend. Very cool! Small thing though, bout the size of a pager. I now have officially 9 guitars. Which is too many. I'm looking to sell a few of them. I really don't play but maybe 3 or 4 of them at any given time. So their just sitting in the case. I'd rather see them put to use than rot away in its case. Not much else to say. Things are ok. Anyone wanna buy a guitar? post comment

A Fruitless Search In The Frosts [15 Jan 2003|12:13pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Dust in the Wind, Kansas ] Certain events happen, and when they do, I have a tendency to fly off the handle and over react. I notice this now at least, and am able to counter act it in time. But today, things have set my mind in motion, and I can't help but wonder if I'm going about things in a wrong way. Sometimes doubt is like a stress fracture in a wall. It can grow and bring the whole thing down, but then again it could be healthy, and show you real life faults which can be mended. I have to apologize to my friend, to whom I left a mess of messages of myself over reacting. Sometimes, its best to have that knowledge, that instinct of when to walk away from a situation. As of right now, I have this overwhelming feeling that I should move on, and be gone from here, yet I know that can't be accomplished over night. After all, these are my choices, not anyone elses. The one thing I dislike the most is other people bringing ridicule to others choices in a direct confrontation, as if to say their right. Its a very hateful thing to do, to assume that the other person is incapable of making intelligent choices in the matters and courses of their lives. In fact its downright frightening. Can anyone be so callous? So... shallow? I hope not. I just hope my plans and hopes will fall into place, and if not, I'll play them as I see them. Its irritating to have another person go off and assume things when you've said only so much. I tried driving for a while, to sort things and bring these things to perspective and I can see some reasons why people would do things as this but, still, it is hurtful. Sometimes all I can do is throw up my hands and accept defeat... I'll never understand human nature. post comment

From The Mouths Of Helpless Babes [08 Jan 2003|02:03pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | Hooker With a Penis, Tool ] Sometimes it doesn't pay to help your fellow man. Sometimes its better to snatch what little he thinks he has from him. The hammer he weilds may fall back upon him and kill him. You could do favors but become a doormat. You could try your best and get ridicule. You could give your all and still be the butt of a joke. So the lesson for this twisted story hour kiddies is greed. Have lots of it. Not power hungry but greed. When you know well within yourself that you can do better than what the people around you are doing, and yet you get ridicule because they say its not enough it tends to enrage the mind a bit. Some people need lessons. Others need to take whats really theirs. post comment

When the Last Fiber of Strength Starts to Fray... [03 Jan 2003|08:21am] [ mood | exhausted ] I toil my worth, my weight away Stagger and stumble and to myself I mumble, incoherently about Something, some injustice, some unspeakable Treason committed against us all Watching the clock like an under fed Vulture, forever circling about carcasses Wearily sitting at a table stained forever As I hastily sip the nectar of the gods From an aluminum can Faces pass like ghosts Ghosts, I swear it, because I cannot Deny them, yet I'm only vaguely sure they're Here The faces pass like cracks in the wall Or the tiles on the floor The whole lot of them pale and mundane The shuffle begins and I'm herded To a small place, feeling quite like cattle Everything blurs as I put the horizon under my tires My mind in agony as I sort it all I can never be sure Is it really reality? I just can't tell the difference Anymore I got 4 hours of sleep, I slept walked through work. New Years was ok, I talked to Megan most of the night which made the New Year more hopeful. I go slumber. post comment

Wow, Violent Old People [16 Dec 2002|02:52pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Dashboard Confessionals, This Ruined Puzzle ] Well, I did it! I got the majority of my christmas shopping done, and mananged to snag Alice in Chains Unplugged DVD. Very cool. Anyways, its been odd. It's not all that fun having people fence you in with their carts, and having people standing there staring at you not able to take the hint that just maybe I'm standing there because I NEED THROUGH? OH no... not at all. Go shop at 3 am. Thats my advice. Only 2 or 3 people in the whole damned store. Which makes it nice. You could take a bike off the rack and ride it around before they wax the floors. I still have to get something else for Megan. I didn't really get anything major. Just found a little trinket she might like but... what to get somebody you care for? Its like hrmmm... Look at all this stuff. None of it will work! Store to store to store. BAH! I want to get something nice but what? Who knows, I'll figure it out. No biggie. I managed to find something for my cousin thats really fitting. I saw it and my jaw dropped. Thats him alright!! I got it, and now I'm gonna hype it up to him. Hehehe! post comment

The Laziness Catches up You Know [13 Dec 2002|09:15am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Thomas, APerfectCircle ] Today is the day I pay for yesterday. I have to be motovated today, regardless if I want to or not. That being said, HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH! I celebrate these as holidays, but I think I'm the only one that gets the joke. Its the weekend. I'm going to be busy for a weekend for once. A real shocker. I'll be gone most of the day tomorrow snowboarding. And today I think is shot after I'm done here I have to get into gear. It seems also lately in the past half hour, a lot of negative things have happened. You see people? This is why you celebrate the 13th, or it will make you regret it. Mwahaha! post comment

Another Day Practicing the Art of Slacking [12 Dec 2002|11:16am] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Eulogy, Tool ] Yeah, thats right, I was motovated to get things done about 4 or 5 hours ago. Now I find myself ready for bed already. Well, being lazy has its pros and cons. And if you think I'm about to get into the postives and negatives of it, guess again, I'm too lazy to bother. I was told by a friend of mine to go look for some music she suggested. I think I'll do that, since it requires NO EFFORT. :P Yea, I'm supposed to go snowboarding this weekend, I'm kinda not sure how that will go. Hopefully I don't break a limb. For some reason, zooming down the side of a moutain on a small board doesn't seem like a bad idea. Its gonna be cold thats for sure. I need to get some gear so I don't freeze. Todays a good day to make I snowman, and ya know what? I think I'll do just that... post comment

Awake But Lying in Bed with Eyes Shut [08 Dec 2002|02:32am] [ mood | blah ] Well another hopeful weekend lost to falling asleep. It seems as I browse through other journals, that people actually have problems to write about. Me.. oh no.. I just bitch and complain that I fell asleep. I called Megan. That was really nice talking to her. Every time though, I end up falling asleep on her. Next time I call I'm gonna be half doing something. Bah.. oh well. Then my one friend was telling me about her day, and I was at a loss for what to say. I hope things will be better for her. Its cold. I'm tired and I'm hungry, and typing and staring at a monitor isn't fixing neither of these... post comment

Oh the Horror, A Three Day Weekend [06 Dec 2002|11:27am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Magdalena, APerfectCircle ] I overslept and missed work... oops. Shame on me. Oh well, I caught up on some much needed sleep. 2 comments|post comment

I Just Love It When I Over React [05 Dec 2002|12:39pm] [ mood | dorky ] Oops. No biggie, I lost it over nothing. post comment

Hoping the World Doesn't Hate Me [05 Dec 2002|10:31am] I hope Megan isn't upset with me. post comment

Tired, Numb, and Looking to Kill Time [05 Dec 2002|08:21am] [ mood | tired ] I've just settled in from work. Working nights isn't really typical. Most people associate the sun setting with the close of a day. Thats when I usually wake up. Then after its over, I leave, just as the sun is rising. Some days its nice to have the sun greet you after being stuck in a prison of concrete and flourescent lighting. Other days its too blinding, and you put your head down to avoid the glare as you try to hurry home and forget the night. Today my dad goes into surgery. He is going to have his gall bladder removed. I'm going to ask him if he's going to keep the stones. Thats would be funny if someone put their stones through a rock tumbler and made jewelery out of them. Hehehe! I can just see the reactions now. "Wow whats this elegant necklace made of? I don't believe I've seen a stone like it." "Yea its my gall bladder stones." Mwahahaha! post comment

A New Shadow [04 Dec 2002|01:17pm] [ mood | accomplished ] I was urged by a friend to get a live journal so here it is. What goes from here, I have no clue. Anyway, I'm not working too hard on the first entry. Why should I? I'll make up for it later... post comment

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